Stressed But Blessed
Being here at the Army School of Music hasn't been too easy for me. There have been many obstacles, injuries, and a lot of self doubt that I've faced here, but at the same time, I know this is exactly where I was meant to be. Since the beginning of training, through every moment of struggle, the Lord has spoken through those around me to give me small reminders of who I am in His eyes.
Those who know me, know that I am very hard on myself. I am very merciful with others, but not so much with myself. The battle buddies who have spent these last 10 weeks with me would tell you the same. I came into training, already full of self-doubt. I have never truly believed I was capable of playing my instrument at the level I currently was... I knew I was here for a reason, but I couldn't figure out how I ended up getting to this point when I realized how much self-confidence I lacked as a horn player. As training went on, I found that it wasn't just confidence in playing my instrument that was the issue, it was confidence in general. I was surrounded by so many amazing people and musicians, my first instinct was to try to compare myself to them. That didn't help me very much in the beginning when it comes to overcoming my self-doubt. I had to learn how to "get comfortable with being uncomfortable" once again, yet this time with musical discomfort, not so much the physical discomfort I've written about before. I couldn't think of a better place to learn how to navigate this new level of discomfort than the Army School of Music.
I still have quite a bit of work to do, but I have made some decent progress. I have stretched my comfort zone wider than it's ever been before, just by embracing the discomfort I was feeling and challenging myself to push through it and grow from it. Without the support and encouragement I've received from not only my peers but also instructors, I wouldn't be able to recognize the different strengths I do bring to the table, instead of only pointing out my weaknesses. For example, playing my AMPA pieces in front of my different instructors... When they asked me what my thoughts were of what I just played, I only picked out the "mistakes". To them, the unnoticed missed notes I was so focused on pointing out weren't mistakes, and they focused on the aspects of my playing that I did well. I could not give myself one compliment, even when the good musical moments greatly outweighed the bad ones.
My battle buddies here have been the biggest blessing to me while navigating the stress and the struggle I was drowning in. The Lord really showed me how hard I was on myself by giving me people in my life who are so supportive and encouraging of me, even when I make mistakes. These are the people who have spent many moments in the practice rooms with me listening to me play, helping me through quickly prepared packets, and giving me much needed pep talks before each nerve-wracking musical task I faced ahead. They constantly pointed out to me that I can afford to not only accept compliments from others but to also be okay with complimenting myself. From playing music to playing frisbee, and going on trips to the beach on base, my battle buddies have shown me nothing but love and support. Through these relationships with my battles, God has taught me so much more about who He has created me to be. He has shown me that there isn't any reason for me not to be confident. He gave me a gift, so USE it and use it confidently! He reminded me to be more merciful with myself, not only while playing music but life in general. He has given me so many beautiful moments with some of the most amazing people I have been blessed to spend the summer with. These are going to be some of the hardest goodbyes I've ever had to say, coming up in the next week.
Going through this much emotional distress while doing something I truly love and having people around me who never fail to remind me how capable I am has been the driving force in completing this training. Another obstacle I've been facing here is another concussion. Usually, my common drill is to push through and carry on as if nothing happened, but for some reason, I am having a very hard time with that here. It all started with a heat injury after completing the ACFT for the first time. I was in the second iteration, so by the time we completed the test with a two-mile run, it was already very hot. It took me quite a bit to recover from the run and the rest of the events prior, causing me to be ice-sheeted. (Yes, it is as embarrassing as it sounds) The bulletproof mentality I've written about before took a huge blow. The heat injury was then followed by a hit to the head before the command inspection, then another hit to the head a few days later during evening PT with my Drill Sergeant. (Note to self: don't do handstands when you are nervous about hitting your head... oops). My first instinct was to cover it up and swallow the pain like I am used to doing, but those around me encouraged me to actually take care of myself and let our Drill Sergeant know that I was not okay. I was afraid of what would happen, but looking back I am so glad I spoke up. Even after doctors' appointments and ignored profiles, I am still suffering pretty badly. I hate being the one who can't tough it out or embrace the suck so that would be the worst part of it for me. I have been able to tough it out as best I could to complete the graduation requirements, but I still had to be sent home early from the FTX (field training exercise). Even in the field, I had many of my battle buddies looking out for me and encouraging me to speak up about the pain I was in.
The Army School of Music taught me so much more than just what it takes to be an Army Musician. I learned from not only my instrumental instructors but also the other cadre and even my peers. I have learned so much about myself in different ways than I did at basic. The challenges that seemed to suffocate me here were overcome not only by myself but by the huge support system I have developed here at training. I never go through anything alone. Going through the struggles of self-doubt and becoming a “casualty” due to a concussion, the Lord revealed to me in these moments that it is okay to rely on people for help, and it is okay to not be so tough all the time. With that, He also showed me a little glimpse of what it feels like to actually have confidence in myself and fully own the gifts I was given. Looking at this summer, I am grateful to have gone through as many hard moments as I did, because it only brought me closer to the Lord, closer to those around me, as well as showed me how to be more merciful with myself.
