Anticipating the Unknown
Anyone who knows me well knows that I am a very spontaneous decision-maker. However, I like to look at it as a leap of faith by following the call of the Lord. This applies to most of my large life decisions, like where I'd go to college, spending a summer as a camp counselor away from home, and even joining the Army. Lucky for me, all of them turned out to be some of the best decisions I've ever made in my life, and I'd never take them back. The best way I'd justify my spontaneous decision making is the fact I HATE the anticipation of change. I do much better jumping fully into something right away than waiting and waiting for something to happen.
I remember struggling so much with picking a school - I applied to eight... I ended up picking the one school that I never even saw in-person. It was one of the biggest leaps of faith I’ve ever made, and I couldn't have ended up in a more perfect place to continue my education. Because of this leap, it set me up in the perfect place to also spontaneously join the Army- a decision I will NEVER regret. However, that doesn't mean I was never nervous or felt any regret in the beginning.
The anticipation was crippling... In any choice you're faced with in life, there is always the fear of the unknown that seems to always stand in the way of making a decision. But for me, the decision was already made and now I had to worry about what the heck I just got myself into, such as the ways I could get hurt or everything that could go wrong. I often forget the reason I made the spontaneous choice to begin with: listening to where the Lord is calling me to grow. This often helps me to calm down to a certain point, but it isn't until I am actually experiencing the time of transition and navigation through the unknown that I am able to be calm. This was the case for me as I anticipated my arrival at basic training one year ago today. Turns out, all of the scary "unknown" situations that I'd find myself in weren't all that terrible, and I actually found myself really enjoying the environment I was in and the things we got to do.
Once I got over the stress of the “scary” Drill Sergeants and the tough days ahead, I was able to take in the moments for what they were instead of what I thought they’d be. I remember distinctly one of the first challenges we had to overcome at basic was the Victory Tower. Hearing horror stories from Drill Sergeants at reception tell us that some trainees get seriously injured or even die by being ignorant on the Victory Tower made my over-anticipating brain go into overdrive. This was one of the first “graduation requirements” that we had to complete during the first few weeks. The thing about these obstacles is that everyone expresses their nerves in different ways, and they are most likely to exaggerate the reality of how challenging they are. I calmly climbed the tower, trying not to let other trainees and their nerves get in my head. I prayed, took deep breaths, and put on my “tough guy” face. At basic training, the trick I discovered is to pretend you are not scared. I channeled my inner “nerves of steel”, inspired by my fearless little sister, and I calmly waited for my turn to repel down the 40 ft wall. I watched as other trainees shook, cried, and dreaded their turn. Some hardly made it down. The more fear you let yourself feel, the worse it could be for you, especially with graduation on the line. Turns out, because I let myself focus on the present moment, I wasn’t caught up in the anticipation of the unknown result. I actually had so much fun repelling down that tower and trusted the tight rope to keep me from falling to my death. (Pictured above… My battle buddies and I waiting to climb the tower).
This last year after basic, I went through an even longer period of anticipation in preparing myself to officially complete all of my training this summer at Advanced Individual Training. I had so many unanswered questions and various nervous feelings concerning what AIT would be like and what would be expected of me. The anticipation just got worse with all of the COVID issues and precautions that we now have to go through before training. Now, since arriving at AIT, I proved to myself once again that I had nothing to be worried about, and that I adjust to change just fine. When my family dropped me off at the hotel, I was finally able to accept the fact that change was coming soon. Although I didn’t know what that looked like yet, I was finally at the stage of anticipation where I could just surrender my anxieties to the Lord, and He would take me step-by-step through it all…
My experience started off pretty hectic, the shipper bus arrived at the airport less than an hour before my flight. Instead of panicking, which I really wanted to do, I took a deep breath and believed that it would all work out. A nice man approached me and helped me check my two huge duffel bags and get to my flight on time. I just rolled with each challenge and trusted in the Lord. Traveling alone is something that stresses me out beyond words, but trusting it would all work out was very calming to me. I finally got to my final destination, which happens to be my birthplace :) ... Now just to get on base... Oh boy.
The Lord provided. He made sure I had a very nice cab driver who knew exactly where to go. I got out of my cab with all of my gear to find a future battle buddy already waiting for someone to pick him up. We both got in the shuttle, and from there my expectations and over-anticipations were blown away. We were greeted with a very warm welcome - not what I was expecting at all! We had a Sergeant who was very helpful and patient in getting us rooms and answering our questions. We found out we’d have to quarantine for 14 days before we start training, ugh… BUT we were all in it together- just in separate rooms. We get to go outside for an hour every day to conduct physical training, or PT, on our own. I have been able to meet my new battle buddies briefly throughout the two weeks of isolation. I had no idea what to expect, but I now know that the crowd here is nothing like the crowd from basic. First of all, we are all musicians, so we definitely make up a unique crowd. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I was expecting a larger group, but due to COVID, less than 30 of us showed up, and I am one of four females… This is definitely a difference from my vision of what I thought it would be like when I arrived.
WE EVEN GOT TO PLAY ULTIMATE FRISBEE for PT during the weekend (anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE frisbee so much…)! It was a huge surprise and blessing to me to be able to break the ice in this new group with an activity that I love. When I told my friend Adam (a teammate and classmate from school) about this happy moment, he said, “You know the look on parents’ faces when they see their kids opening presents on Christmas morning?... I feel like that was God watching you play ultimate frisbee”... I couldn’t agree more because that is exactly how I felt.
It is these little moments in the times of the unknown where you can really see the Lord’s hand guiding you and assuring you that everything is going to be just fine. He finds the things that calm you down or fill you with joy to remind you that change isn’t such a bad thing and there is no reason to keep living in anticipation. I always imagine the worst when thinking about the unknown, and I always forget that God has it all under control. Why would He call you to follow this path if He wasn't going to be walking with you each step?
Through each spontaneous decision I've made, I have discovered how important it is to trust in the Lord even when you have to move forward with a decision that takes you into the unknown because He never leaves you behind to figure it all out for yourself. I have to remind myself when I am in over-anticipation mode to place all of my anxieties and stresses in the Lord’s hands, and He will continue to guide us through it all.
