Be Still
This semester has been everything but easy. From flat tires to missed classes, and even SNOW in mid-October... (Well, I guess snow isn't the worst thing to be worried about these days). As I adjust back to "college life" after another summer of training, I forgot how challenging it is for me to "flip the switch" from Army mode, back to the Catholic Studies environment at school. The switch from "Vanden Branden" or "VB" back to just "Hannah" has been an unsurprising challenge. As I reflect on the challenges of this semester, I have also been reminded of the graces I have received.
I recently stumbled upon a journal entry I wrote at the very beginning of the semester. At the time, I was looking so far ahead into a full calendar of crazy, forgetting to just breathe and take it "step by step" - a motto I repeated to myself daily at basic training. In this journal entry, I found a prayer... It was a prayer asking God for patience with myself as I adjust back to school, for rest, and self mercy. I prayed for a deeper relationship with Him and the people He has surrounded me with. I asked for the ability to admit when I needed help, and to not push through and pretend that I am stronger than I am, to be okay with not being okay.
Until now, I had forgotten that I had said this prayer back when the semester first began. But, as I reflect on the course of the last few months, I have found that among my struggle, the Lord has been so near to me through it all, whispering in my ear, taking on the struggle with me, and offering me many graces throughout.
Through each setback, came so much grace. Here is an example:
The weekend I missed my drill weekend for my aunt's wedding, I was feeling very overwhelmed and "behind" in my schoolwork and my music commitments. But, it was so good to be with my family that weekend, and as my sister and I headed back up to school, the Lord decided that we could use some more time at home... We ended up getting a flat tire and heading back home to get it fixed the next day. At first, I was very anxious, especially since that would mean missing my first lab of the semester, but the Lord took care of me and allowed me to take the time I needed with my family and getting my tire replaced. I was able to make up my lab the next day in the other section that was offered.
Through missed classes due to important appointments, and family emergencies, the Lord worked through my understanding and compassionate professors, allowing me to reschedule tests or even be fully excused from my lab with no penalties. Through some of the most stressful moments of the semester, I have been reminded of God's great and abundant love for me. He loves us more than we could ever comprehend. Unlike any other semester, my prayer life has been the strongest it's ever been. I had always heard the famous quote by Saint Augustine, "Our heart is restless until it rests in You", but I had never truly experienced what that truly feels like until this very unique semester.
I have been reminded of God's love again and again through Tommie Catholic meetings, conversations with supportive friends, but most of all through silence in prayer. A huge theme for me this semester has been stillness. The Lord has been calling me to Be Still. I find myself again, relying on the Lord's strength instead of my own, except this time, I am overcoming obstacles in the college environment, not literal obstacles in the Army training setting. While I was called spontaneously to go pray the other day before I left for home, I had an overwhelming peace wash over me as the Lord spoke to me through this verse:
"The Lord will fight for you; you have only to keep still"
Exodus 14.14
This verse was a much-needed reminder as I tried to balance a busy schedule while taking the time I needed to go home to support my family as we recently lost a loved one. The Lord reassured me that I would be taken care of and made sure that everything on my plate was cleared so I could go home stress-free. During that time at home, I was hurting. I was sad about the passing of my great-grandpa, and I was struggling to accept the fact that I couldn't go to the funeral because I was potentially exposed to COVID a few days prior (without knowing until after I made the long trip home). Finding out I tested negative, was a huge relief, but it hurt so much more knowing I could've been there to support my grieving family. But through that pain, the Lord met me in my brokenness, allowed me to just be still, and to take the time to heal with my family. The reminder that He will fight for me, gave me the confidence to just let go of control, the Lord will take care of me. I am restless until I rest in you, Lord.
Again and again, I am reminded of God's unending love. I have restored my trust in Him, and through that, I have been given a place to rest. By being still and confiding in the Lord through all the little pains, I have been strengthened spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. There is so much grace in your struggles and in your pain, don't be afraid to offer it up and turn to the Lord. He will fight for you, no matter what battle(s) you face.
